smooth like glass, they want it fast

so first things first: it's a girl. so that's pretty exciting.

i made pizza today. it was good, not great, and now i have horrible gas. too much information? too bad. it's not like you can unread it.

i just finished reading "stiff." it was surprisingly really really good. and then, without thinking why, i started reading "a grief observed." you'd think i was obsessing over death, but i'm really not. you have to admit though, no matter what religious or philosophical beliefs you agree with, death will always be an interesting topic. it's just so profound no matter how you look at it.

there was a quote in "a grief observed"...as in, c.s. lewis quoted someone within the book, saying something along the lines of "i stay up all night with a toothache thinking about my toothache and how i'm staying up all night." there's some truth in there. just the way that an affliction leads to suffering. it's a positive feedback loop (is that redundant? can you have a negative feedback loop? or just negative feedback?). the more you suffer, the more your mind focuses on that suffering, which only intensifies the pain. that's exactly how my sleep issues go. the proof is the fact that i'm writing this sentence right now. it's about 3:30 in the morning, i'm not asleep, i'm stressing about not being asleep, and it's making it harder to get to sleep. the problem with my issue is that that stress has built up over the past 12-ish years so that it's really a constant thing. it's not like an occasional bad night. before i even think about going to bed, there's already that worry that i won't fall asleep. and so i don't. anyways, enough of that.

how am i supposed to be responisible for giving a name to another human being? i'm never satisfied with the arbitrary decisions i make. and this is so permanent. "hey gertrude, can you come here for a second? your mother and i have decided that you're named gretchen now. well, for the rest of the month at least. there are some talks of switching over to winifred." yeah.

that's all.

you can scoop out my brain, shape it into an ear and then tell me your pain

by three months i really meant seven. but whatever. a lot has happened since i last wrote about not a whole lot. which means this is going to be another post full of gratuitous nothingness, covering far too much time to contain anything particularly detailed. the idea, which i realize will likely never develop into anything more than an idea, is to start writing enough that i can include a detail here and there.

here's a moment of false pride. the real reason i'm writing again: i like my writing. not that anyone else does, or should for that matter. but its a testament to anyone's artistic accomplishments when they like their own art. metal fans write metal music until they are good enough to be their own fans. and so on. i guess basically i'm saying that my writing has developed enough over the years that i've found a "voice" that's some sort of approximation of the authors i most enjoy. it makes it fun to go back and read things that were written long enough ago that their content has been forgotten. again, i don't expect anyone else to find any satisfaction in my writing.

anothe reason i'm writing again is so that kari will finally stop telling me to update my blog. for some reason she expects me to, despite the fact that i've never, ever, ever kept a frequently updated anything. so this one's for you kari.

kari's pregnant. tomorrow we get to go to the doctor. he'll shoot sound waves into kari. some of those sound waves will bounce off the baby's private parts so that we'll know if we should buy everything blue or pink. that's pretty exciting.

i guess that's it for now. i don't want to overdo it. or is it already overdid? shoot. k, bye.